It's time for that popular feature, Practical Advice for Political Nutjobs, the column that's been proven by complicated scientific-type testing to help weirdos avoid public humiliation. It also saves them money because they never again need to line their hats with pricey aluminum foil.
Best of all, it doesn't matter where their oddball beliefs fall on the ideological spectrum. Right-wing Birthers, left-wing Truthers, middle-of-the-road ignoramuses — all of them will benefit from these lessons, just as soon as they remove their earplugs, blinders, and the electronic skull implants that allow them to receive direct communications from either Glenn Beck or Michael Moore — or, in extreme cases, both.
Today, these wackos are going to learn how to bamboozle the news media into giving them positive coverage, even though they're espousing irrational positions based primarily on research conducted by people in white lab coats who make their livings playing expendable extras on movies on the Syfy channel.
Also, Charlie Sheen thinks they make a lot of sense.
For a shining example of public relations done correctly, we need look no further through the Museum of the Misguided, Misled, Misinformed, Maladroit, Malcontented, and Mischievously Malevolent than the tiny coterie of disconnected dorks who believe Central Maine Power is intent on making them sick by installing Smart Meters in their houses.
Smart Meters are devices that allow CMP to figure out how much electricity you use without sending meter readers to check. Eventually, the Smart Meter may help you to decide when to do chores that require a lot of electricity — such as laundry, housecleaning, or running a cyclotron — at times of day when power is cheapest. They'll also allow CMP to take video of you naked.
None of that bothers the anti-Smart Meter crowd. They're in favor of energy conservation, and they all hit the gym regularly, so they look good with no clothes on. What they don't like is that Smart Meters give off radio waves.
Just like cell phones, microwave ovens, WiFi routers, televisions, and — not surprisingly — radios.
People have been exposed to radio waves ever since Marconi stole the idea from Tesla, thereby creating a medium ideally suited for dribble-brained shock jocks and bone-headed talk-show hosts. Given the usual assortment of programming, you can understand why somebody might have concerns that the emanations from those broadcasting towers are rotting our minds. Trouble is, in spite of numerous studies conducted by people with actual advanced degrees in science stuff, there's no evidence to support that idea.
Fortunately, this kind of factual deficit never presents a serious obstacle to true believers of any sort. They're convinced Obama was born in Kenya or George W. Bush planned the 9/11 attacks or childhood vaccines cause autism or UFOs have abducted them or masturbation makes hair grow on the palms of their hands.
It's the same with radio-frequency fanatics. If they have a bad night's sleep, it wasn't associated with the chili dogs they ate for a bedtime snack. It was the cell phone.
If they wake up with a headache, it's unconnected to that bottle of vodka they drank for a nightcap. It was the microwave.
If they have pain in their wrists, it couldn't be carpal tunnel caused by incessant use of their hairy hands for sexual gratification. It's the Smart Meter.