Alice Cooper, Moby, and Iggy Pop walk into a bar ... Okay, so Cooper actually tends the bar, Moby performs at the bar, and Iggy Pop gets his throat slashed outside the bar. In any case, trust us, you haven't heard this one before. Unless you've seen Rob Stefaniuk's horror-comedy Suck (not to be confused with Vampires Suck, which, we understand, really does). This blood-soaked camp-fest monopolizes on the media-dominating vampire craze, delivering a none-too-subtle jab to the music industry at the same time.
The premise: a struggling indie band of wannabe rock stars, the Winners, just can't seem to catch a break. Their manager (played by Dave Foley, who also happens to be in Vampires Suck) quits; nobody seems to get their unique artistic vision; and in lieu of a tour bus, they have to lug their equipment around in a rickety old hearse. Plus, they're Canadian. Things are pretty bleak. The Winners are one bad gig away from applying to Home Depot when their bassist, Jennifer (Jessica Paré), has a one-night stand with a vamp named Queeny (played with ridiculous flamboyancy by Dimitri Coats of the hardcore band Burning Bridges). And suddenly the Winners are topping the pop charts.
The film's winking acknowledgment of the lengths bands will go to to make it in an ever-more commercialized industry (as acted out by a slew of music-biz vets) comes through loud and clear without becoming overly preachy. Indeed, there's no need to take this movie too seriously, because the filmmakers certainly don't. Suck would much rather get silly than shrill: here, groupies serve as post-show snack, Henry Rollins cameos as a sex-crazed radio personality who gets eaten on-air, and Moby plays a rock star named "Beef" (get it? dude's a vegan) who dies looking for a good blowjob. "You ate Beef?" the Winners' simple-minded drummer asks Jennifer in dismay. She did.
True, you won't come much away from this spoof with more than few laughs and a new appreciation for Alice Cooper's acting chops (though, let's be honest, he doesn't have to try very hard to look undead), but I'd still take Suck over Twilight any day. For me, Iggy sums it all up in these words of wisdom to a young protégé: "Always use a condom, and never trust a goddamn vampire."