Lately Garry Marshall has shown a certain genius for turning miserable holidays into terrible movies. With Valentine's Day he showed how that celebration of masochism can be a vehicle for smarmy sentiments, musty jokes, and rickety contrivances. Here the eponymous feast of forced fun takes a beating, not to mention some Oscar winners who might add firing their agents to their list of resolutions. A mousy neurotic (Michelle Pfeiffer) hires a bike messenger (Zac Efron) to help her fulfill her bucket-list of wishes. A dying cancer patient (Robert De Niro) wants to see the ball drop one last time in Times Square; his nurse (Halle Berry) might help make that happen, but not if the mistress of ceremonies (Hilary Swank) can't get the balky ball to work. Meanwhile, a jaded hipster (Ashton Kutcher) and an aspiring singer (Lea Michele) are trapped in an elevator. A busted ball and a stalled elevator? Someone get this movie some Viagra.
