The Big Hurt: Pancakes! Lent! Golf!

This month's inessential press releases
By DAVID THORPE  |  March 24, 2011

March has been a true delight in the music-PR department — I haven't seen this many dumbshit stunts since Jackass 3D. Let's roll up our sleeves and thrust our hands elbow deep into a steaming pile of press releases:

"National Pancake and Waffle Batter Company Strikes a Chord with Music Fans"

As any marketer knows, no two industries are as closely linked as the pop-music industry and the spray-on pancake- and waffle-batter industry. Batter Blaster, a leader in pressurized breakfast goo, is using its "longtime musical relationships" to provide an amazing brand experience:

"Batter Blaster's team has an incredible passion for music and deep ties to rock 'n' roll and the music industry," said Batter Blaster CEO Sean O'Connor. "Through our partnerships and connections, we're set to share 365 great tracks over the course of the next 12 months." Although the release doesn't detail just what these deep ties are, they're sure paying off: just by calling **BLAST from any cell phone, waffle-whippiting youths can download new tracks from happening beat groups like Wavves and the Civil Wars.

Is this a sincere marriage of art and commerce, as the Batter Blaster fat cats would have you believe, or just another disheartening example of indie bands selling their souls to hop in bed with Big Aerosol Pancake? After much meditation, I discover that I sincerely don't give a shit. In the end, I wound up with a passable free Dodos track but remained unimpressed with the concept of spraying buttermilk slurry on a hot griddle. (Although, I'm not sure why I thought of this, spraying it directly into a dog's mouth sounds absolutely delightful.)

"Is 'Techno-Monk' John Michael Talbot Giving Up Facebook for Lent?"

An intriguing theological question is posed in this headline! Is an immensely bearded Catholic recording artist, who for unknown reasons thinks it's cool to keep referring to himself as a "Techno-Monk," going to make the ultimate online sacrifice to appease his angry God?

"This might be a good idea in order to break an addiction to technology but it is not necessary for everyone, or even most. . . . We will still be posting during Lent. In fact, I have completed a new recording, 'Worship and Bow Down,' which will be made available as an advanced digital download to our special Facebook friends by Easter."

No. The answer is no. He's not giving up Facebook for Lent. Our curiosity has been fully rewarded. Thank you, John Michael Talbot, Techno-Monk, for this press release. I won't be giving up petting dogs for Memorial Day; expect my release shortly.

"G4S Song Anticipated To Go Gold"

Some asshole marketing dude at security megafirm G4S thinks he's a pretty big genius for this one: he's hired professional songwriters to pen an inspiring ditty about his company, and now he's trying to make it "go gold," generate a bunch of money for an unspecified charity, and build a bunch of good PR for a company best known for deporting poor people, accidentally killing detainees, and other assorted jackbooted thuggery:

"G4S is the world's second largest private sector employer and executives at the corporation are hopeful that a large proportion of their global workforce will support the download of their new G4S song entitled 'Securing Your World.' In doing so, the company hopes to raise substantial funds for charity."

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