31 signs that Scott Brown’s victory is changing the face of the commonwealth for the worse
By CHRIS FARAONE | January 25, 2010
Scott Brown’s Senatorial victory is merely the latest sign that red tides are creeping upon our once-progressive Commonwealth. Don’t believe us? Consider that Kenny Chesney sells out Gillette Stadium every summer, and, of course, that wealthy Republican presidential hopeful with the fantastic hair was recently our Governor.
From our ancestral history as the home of the original Tea Party movement to the recent incursion of Cracker Barrel and Sonic joints, Massachusetts now seems primed to embrace its inner redneck. Change, as the man says, is coming. Massachusettsians, you might be living in a Red state if . . .
1. Martha’s Vineyard is re-named Scott’s Vineyard.
2. Deval Patrick shows up to work on a snowmobile.
3. Fenway Park hosts first annual Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association Winter Classic.
4. Anti-immigration groups successfully lobby to build a fence around Lynn.
5. Commonwealth declares Boston Tea Party Day an official holiday.
6. Jamaica Plain is bulldozed to make way for the biggest mall in North America.
7. Barney Frank goes missing, discovered back in the closet.
8. Louis Boston changes its name to the much-less-French-sounding “Lewis Beantown.”
9. MBTA repaints Blue Line, renames it “The Redder Line”
10. New law: Combat-zone hookers no longer required to perform oral on Fridays if it’s against their religion.
11. Public Garden swan boats are replaced with wave runners.
12. The Freedom Trail, forced to “pay its own way,” is festooned with ads for Blackwater, AIG, and Smith N Wesson.
13. Revere declares war on People’s Republic of Cambridge.
14. Anti-immigration groups successfully lobby to build a fence around New Bedford.
15. Doug Flutie Band sells more than four copies of its CD.
16. Museum of Science is re-chartered as the “Museum of Creationism.”
17. Boston Herald promotes Ayla Brown from “American Idol Analyst” to “Editor-in-Chief.”
18. Dropkick Murphys release an album of Celtic-flavored Lee Greenwood covers.
19. Michael Steele, newly-appointed head of Harvard’s Dubois Institute for African and African-American studies, is beaten by Cambridge police.
20. New York Times Co. sells Boston Globe to townhall.com for $35 and a can of Skoal.
21. UMass campuses are shuttered: No more socialized higher education.
22. Pastor Rick Warren is invited to preach at M.I.T. – or, as it’s better known, the Massachusetts Institute of Transubstantiation.
23. State legislature is dissolved, its duties re-assigned to New England Patriots alumni association.
24. Pine cone on the Golden Dome is replaced with a hand grenade.
25. Tom Menino and Mitt Romney caught trading sunless-tanning secrets.
26. Three words: Congressman Curt Schilling.
27. Steve Pagliuca finally admits he’s a Republican.
28. Anti-immigration groups successfully lobby to build a fence around Lawrence.
29. John Rocker retires to Provincetown.
30. Three more words: Jay Severin groupies.
31. Dane Cook is accused of stealing Jeff Foxworthy jokes.
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