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Google: The ultimate cockblocker

Or, how internet search engines are ruining my life
By SCOTT FAYNER  |  September 27, 2010


The End of Privacy
The world is watching: If you don't want the government, big industry, and some 15-year-old to know your secret, you're shit out of luck. And so far, no one knows what to do about it. By Mike Miliard.

Friends with benefits: When you can't dress, eat, or go to the bathroom on your own, privacy takes a back seat to trust. By Eugenia Williamson.

The Phoenix Editorial: Privacy.

I thought it was going pretty well for a first date.

Staci laughed at all my jokes. From our table at Abe & Louie's in the Back Bay, she fed me salmon from her fork and didn't run off screaming when I told her that I made a living as a freelance writer. Good start, I remember thinking as I excused myself to take a leak. But when I returned from the bathroom, I was no longer the semi-famous word scribbler she pictured me to be moments ago. I could tell from her maddened eyes and that snarl on her lips that the jig was up: I was now a monster. "Who is Taylor Rain?" she demanded. I thought long and hard before answering: "The porn star Taylor Rain?"

Game over. Again.

You'd never believe how many times my debauched past has come back to bite me in the ass. One search is all it takes. And since we're on friendly terms, I'll spare you the click: look, I never really asked to become a celebrated porn "journalist," whose "job" consisted of consuming narcotics with half-naked, barely legal girls and then writing about it. It all just kind of happened.

In August 2000, after pacing in my dingy apartment for three weeks waiting for The Simpsons to call and offer me a staff-writing gig that would never come, I went and took a job editing at Hustler. Wouldn't you? Now it's 10 years later, and according to Google there are 90,000 reasons you should stay the hell away from me. Who the fuck is this Google, exactly, and what did I ever do to deserve this lubeless anal raping they call a "search result"?

Okay, Google, you got me: once upon a time I was romantically linked to a female sex starlet named Taylor Rain. A porn star, yes. And we weren't just romantically linked — technically, we were married. But it's really no big deal, and lasted about as long as a Roger Clemens steroid cycle. As for my career? I used to write about porn for a living, and there was a time when tens of thousands of upstanding citizens woke up every morning and went online to see what I had to say about their favorite perversion. And sure, I wasn't changing the world like, say, Matt Drudge — but I knew that at the end of the day we were pretty much the same beast . . . aside from the fact that I was literally immersed in semen-soaked dresses.

Except, well . . . try telling that to your dinner date, after she uses her phone to google your sorry ass and comes up with the article you wrote and co-starred in comparing porn star Jewel De'Nyle's vagina to her mass-produced signature pocket pussy.

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Related: Don't be fooled: the Google-Verizon plan would kill Net Neutrality, Maine's broken e-mail system, A good walk, More more >
  Topics: Lifestyle Features , Internet, Dogs, Google,  More more >
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7 Comments / Add Comment


Hustler, very funny, kinda.
Who's missing from this high school State Debate finals picture?

Evan Wright, but he was there and later he preceded you chez Hustler, but who now is kind of a made man, having written "Generation Kill" and he is now represented by Keppler and Company, watch the megabuck YouTube videos as he tells his story about being an embed military reporter, all of which basically serves to increase interest in joining the military, interesting. Even more interesting is Evan's background but I'll not go into that in this space.....

Anyway, if you're really bored from not getting laid, Google my name and Joanna Marinova, from the Phoenix Prison from Hell feature two weeks ago, I've got interesting blog and radio shows about that, led her to her lawyers and soon I will have every document that the DOC/EOPSS handed over to Ms. Marinova's attorneys. Some women dig what I do, some don't, that's life.

As far as the Internet goes, think of it as a babe filter. The ones who turn their noses up at you aren't for you in the first place bro.

Christopher King, J.D. -- Reel News for Real People.
Posted: September 23 2010 at 10:54 PM


PS: I dropped a Google Bomb on a Republican tool who smacked my camera at a Joe Arpaio/Kelly Ayotte anti-Immigration love fest two weeks ago, check out "Karen Holman."

The Google bomb erupts in several ways. Speaking of eruptions, I just now Googled her name, had no idea who you were talking about, but no pity party for boning Taylor Rain kiddo LOL ;)
Posted: September 23 2010 at 11:12 PM


Oopsie, "Karen Thoman."
Posted: September 23 2010 at 11:14 PM


Interesting article but sprinkled so liberally with expletives I thought I was reading a Hustler piece, not an article in the "free press" that is the Phoenix. Colorful sure, but so base. Time to invest in that Dictionary.
Posted: September 24 2010 at 8:42 AM


ChuckDog: Valid point, mostly on the "lubeless......" phrase I thought was over the top.
Posted: September 24 2010 at 11:38 AM


Scott Fayner is a self-serving, lying, whiny baby who deserves all the cockblocking google can muster. The guy sounds like a wicked sleeze. Not because he married a porn star or writes for Hustler, but because he uses innocent people like Kristen Davis to further his career. He claims to be sorry for posting pix of her without her consent but only continues to point point them out in the article! The guy could have mentioned the incident by referring to "a celebrity" or "an actress" but no, he had to name her, thus restarting a flurry of searches for pix he had no right to post! Only assholes and douche bags post sexually explicit photos of women without their permission. And he wants me to feel sorry for him? Not gonna happen. Viva Google!
Posted: September 25 2010 at 9:28 AM


damn, it sucks to be you. lucky for me google aint got nothing on me. til this day i still havent use my real name online.
Posted: September 27 2010 at 4:33 PM
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