BIEBERWATCH! The lusts of our burgeoning manlet have been aroused by teen starlet Selena Gomez, with whom he's just been photographed in various states of PG-rated canoodlage. The two young lovebirds were vacationing together in the Caribbean, and blurry telephoto paparazzi snaps show Bieber kissing, embracing, and gingerly butt-touching the 18-year-old Gomez. Meanwhile, heartbroken teenage girls everywhere are venting their rage and grief the only way they know how: on Twitter. "Selena Gomez is dangerously close to a LONG,SLOW,PAINFUL DEATH. =)," tweets a user going by the name of Selena Killer. "I hope I get an axe for my next birthday ;) I know who I would use it on :)"
But if young girls are distraught that they've lost their shot at Bieber, they can turn to the warm embrace of shitty clichés — God doesn't close a door without opening a window. Skid Row singer SEBASTIAN BACH has just split up with his wife of 18 years! Bieber may be young and hot this week, but Sebastian Bach has been throbbing hearts longer than Justin's been alive. He's just as Canadian, his pipes are more impressive, his hair is longer and more flaxen, and it would really, really surprise me if he didn't own a motorcycle. Plus, since he just split up with his old lady, he's probably ready to bird-dog for plenty of fine young ladies. And if Bieber fans are a little young for him, I'm sure he'd at least let them text him bra photos or whatever.
Fact: way more crazy shit happens in KENNY LOGGINS's "I'm Alright" (the theme from Caddyshack) than you remember. Also, the lyrics to "Jungle Love" by STEVE MILLER are way deeper than you may recall. Ten minutes of particularly bad classic-rock-radio programming will unlock many mysterious secrets of the past.
Dozens of blogs and even major news outlets reported the leak of a new JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE track, "Take You Down," alleged to have been produced by the Neptunes. A flurry of retractions ensued when Timberlake's representatives stated that the pop star had nothing to do with the song, and that it was the work of one RASMUS THUDE, a minor-league Danish pop singer with a convincing vocal resemblance to our boy JT. Not to play Monday-morning quarterback — I heard the song only after it was debunked — but I'm surprised that it fooled anyone. The guy sounds enough like Timberlake to trick someone who'd heard "SexyBack" three or four times, but the production credit is pure insanity — who on earth could be gullible enough to believe that the Neptunes had switched up to an incompetent, low-budget Europop steez for 2011?
No word on how the phony leak originated — could it have been an honest mistake, a prank, or a deliberate play for attention by this Rasmus Thude character? As of press time, Thude could not be reached for comment (because I stopped caring and never tried).
On New Year's Eve, in a karaoke bar in Seattle, I heard a possibly insane woman belt BLU CANTRELL's "Hit 'Em Up Style" in a devastating, high-pitched, off-key banshee shriek. She sounded like a piss-drunk "Wuthering Heights"–era Kate Bush with a steak knife plunged in her back. It was genuinely stunning. Her yowling has been haunting me ever since; I've tried listening to the real track, but it's just no good. It's been made obsolete.
