Comedy

Dance, Monkey: Hal Sparks

We put a visiting comic on the hotseat. This week's victim. . .

By SARA FAITH ALTERMAN | May 27, 2008

In your opinion, what's the sexiest household appliance?
The dryer. Because if you and an adult with like-minded ideas were to sit upon one at the proper time, it could really help you out. Obviously, the leader of a polygamist cult would go with the butter churn.

What's the best way to deal with rising gas prices?
I think the best way in all seriousness is to attach a sail to your car. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it’s not like I’m asking you to fly a pirate flag. I’m just saying — you’ve got all those sheets sitting around, and you’ve always wanted to stitch them together in a Goonies type of way. Do it.

A new study published in the journal of adolescent health indicates that American teenagers are concerned with remaining "technical virgins." Any advice for these kids on how to keep the V-card but still have a good time at the prom?
Just the fact that they’re using the word “technical” means that they’re already experts at anal sex. They don’t need any advice from me.

What accessories would come with a Hal Sparks action figure?
It would have several different outfits. Rocker Hal, Stand-Up Hal, with its own wireless mic. Then there’s Crimefighting Hal, which is, quite frankly, just me in my street clothes. Why wear a mask? Of course it would have a bow and arrow. A spear. Nunchucks. Fifteen guitars. And a Swiss Army knife. And a book on feng shui, and a Marshall stack. Oh, and a saxophone. And chopsticks. And a learn-how-to-use-chopsticks guide.

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