These guys couldn't turn on a radio
 JARED FOGLE
Ubiquity and over-exposure has turned a merely annoying ex-fatty into a serious pain in the ass. We wish co-Subway shill Michael Strahan would just hit him like he was a tackling dummy.
 LARRY THE CABLE GUY
His sexual essence can best be summed up in the metaphoric image of the ass-crack of any serviceman who ever bent over under your sink.
 MEL GIBSON
Hateful director with massive alcohol problem.
 CHUCK KLOSTERMAN
Corn-fed, ass-faced classic-rock apologist is on book five of a schtick that wore out after book two.
 BILL O’REILLY
Worst person in the world
It’s been two years since O’Reilly was accused of sexually harassing one of the producers of his TV show, with charges that he, among other revolting details, had unwanted phone sex with her — including a bizarre call in which he described his wish to rub “falafel . . . on your pussy.” Those charges were settled out of court. Settled on the air last week was his verbal ass-whupping by Geraldo Rivera, who scored an upset away-game victory on O’Reilly’s infamously unfriendly home court.
 JAMES GANDOLFINI
DeNiro put on 60 pounds to play Jake LaMotta. But then he took it off. At some point, Gandolfini forgot to stop putting on weight, and while Tony Soprano is the more believable for it, the actor has become an eyesore — never more so than in The Sopranos final season. Two words that came up again and again in talking to women about Gandolfini: nose breathing. Yuck.
 THE US SENATORS FROM MASSACHUSETTS
No Senate delegation has served the Unsexy constituency with such distinction as the moon-faced windbag Edward Kennedy and the high-haired highbrow John Kerry. What the hell happens when you get sworn in from New England? The judge administers the oath . . . and then whacks you in the head with the ugly stick?
 PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Sweaty, weird-looking Oscar winner
It’s saying something when an actor gains sex appeal by playing Truman Capote. Out of character, in the Republican-bashing documentary The Party's Over, Hoffman tried his hand at starring in his own Farenheit 9/11 but settled for impersonating a wimpier version of hideously unsexy leftist filmmaker Michael Moore. Just what the world needs: another mumbling, progressive dishtowel to the rescue!
 KARL LAGERFELD
Repulsive Teutonic fashionista
Make that emaciated Teutonic fashionista. Almost makes Don Imus seem sexy.
 MICHAEL RICHARDS
People keep asking us how Michael Richards can redeem himself after shouting racial epithets at hecklers. The answer has nothing to do with Al Sharpton, Jerry Seinfeld, or David Letterman. If Richards wants to have a career again, he should offer to eat one steaming, regulation-size bowl of shit for each use of the n-word recorded on that TMZ.com video
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