CURT SCHILLING
The gut is starting to reach Bartolo Colon proportions. Also, Curt, what’s with the hair? Are you trying to grow back the old feathered half-mullet from your Philly days? Were those Birkenstocks you were photographed wearing when you dropped the puck at a Coyotes game? Look, thanks for 2004, and we love the blog (seriously) but maybe it’s time to spend less time on video-gaming projects and more time on staying in shape. (By the way, Dan Shaughnessy: if you were more famous, you’d be here, too.)
 RYAN SCHREIBER
Rock critics rank slightly below child molesters on the food chain of sexy, but Pitchfork creator Schreiber’s look is a mash-up of every bad pseudo-hipster message-boarder trope: from his conservatively fashionable haircut and the scraggly pubic-like facial hair he maintains to hide his speckled face and weak chin, to his unreadable and unaccountably influential Web site. Score: 3.2.
 MICHAEL DEVLIN
Suspected Missouri kidnapper
He used to work at Imo’s pizzeria and then at a funeral home. That’s right, ladies: he’s so much more than just a kidnapper.
 TONY KORNHEISER
Sometimes an unattractive name can push a borderline awkward dude into don’t-touch-me territory. This unattractive ESPN commentator for Monday Night Football comes with several items of unfortunate baggage, not the least of which is this: who the hell wants to be Mrs. Kornheiser?
 BRIAN POSEHN
Creepy dude for hire
This gross-looking, straight-out-of-central-casting “alt” comedian has carved out a niche as the best sight-gag/creepy character actor since Ferris Bueller principal/Howard the Duck villain Jeffrey Jones. He’s now co-starring on The Sarah Silverman Program, so at least he’s getting paid for it.
 KEVIN FEDERLINE
Would’ve placed higher had not Britney gone off the deeeeeep end and made her Fed-ex look relatively stable by comparison. We sense a K-Fed comeback next year, but in case you forgot how loathsome this trailer-park hero really is, revisit the classic YouTube clip that MTV filmed when “Popo Zao” came out.
 SCOOTER LIBBY
What’s less “sexy”: being the sacrificial lamb no one respects or being an adult with the nickname Scooter?
 SPENCER PRATT
King of The Hills
This obnoxious star of the MTV “documentary” series has greasy hair, a veiny neck and forehead, and a cast-iron jaw . . . and yet still manages to get playmates’ numbers. Sorta like Wooderson from Dazed and Confused, only without the charm. Which probably makes him more like Ben Affleck’s character.
 JAMES LIPTON
Interrogator of the stars
Curiously bearded — and possibly misshapen — host of Inside the Actors Studio.
 BILL BELICHICK
His sartorial style is not unlike that of a hobo. Somehow this didn’t stop Mr. Unassuming Genius from seducing his buddy’s wife. So perhaps Bill’s look isn’t quite as haphazard as it looks. Kind of like the “Derelicte” look perfected in Zoolander, which was “a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.” Look for Blue Steel and Magnum in the Pats’ playbook next season — if Tom Brady can turn left.