TOM CRUISE
The heat Cruise emitted early in his career has evaporated, leaving a smirking corpse only slightly colder than the Wicked Witch of the West (to name another humorless cartoon, prone to disturbingly manic episodes, who melts when squirted). About as sexy as a toad turd, Cruise struts around like a smaller, yappier version of Schwarzenegger-as-Terminator (check his cyborg-like smile and virtuous embrace of a bizarre science-fiction scenario masquerading as quasi-religion) but comes off even creepier, given his campaign to impregnate and enslave — sorry, wed in holy matrimony — impressionable young actresses.
 JON HEDER
After Napoleon Dynamite, this genetically-challenged one-joke-wonder stretched his 15 minutes by painting on the spandex and starring as Will Ferrell's figure-skating partner in a film that should’ve been titled Napoleon Dynamite on Ice. Is there an unsexier phrase in the English language than “Will Ferrell’s skating partner”?
 PETER JACKSON
The gnomish auteur responsible for Lord of the Rings, whose costume effects are evidently inspired by looking in the mirror. May have middle-earth-like creatures living in his beard.
 MEL GIBSON
Hateful director with massive alcohol problem.
 PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Sweaty, weird-looking Oscar winner
It’s saying something when an actor gains sex appeal by playing Truman Capote. Out of character, in the Republican-bashing documentary The Party's Over, Hoffman tried his hand at starring in his own Farenheit 9/11 but settled for impersonating a wimpier version of hideously unsexy leftist filmmaker Michael Moore. Just what the world needs: another mumbling, progressive dishtowel to the rescue!
 THE FAT GUY FROM BORAT
Fat Guy from Borat
Repeated viewings of the scene in which Ken Davitian goes cheek-to-hairy-cheek with Sacha Baron Cohen’s face have been proven to cause sterility in lab rats. So feel lucky that it merely makes you want to rip your eyes out of their sockets.
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