Worst in breed: Newsmakers

The 100 Unsexiest men 2007
By PHOENIX STAFF  |  April 12, 2007

[98] REVEREND TED HAGGARD
Colorado male-escort patron  

Getting snagged with prostitutes is always a bad look, but Ted — no relation to Merle — compounded the common sin of adultery with heaps of lyin’, bullshittin’, and hypocritizin’. The leader of the 30-million-strong National Association of Evangelicals — as well as an anti-evolutionist and an important supporter of George W. Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign — preached anti-gay sermons from his pulpit while also making monthly paid visits to a male prostitute, with whom he allegedly snorted meth. More proof that God loves ugly?

 
[92] OSAMA BIN LADEN
Diabetic outlaw 

Only slightly less sexy than our own commander in chief, the Ichabod Crane of Tora Bora could use a new look. Note to Osama: camouflage jackets have been out since the millennium. (Hey, since the military can’t find him, maybe the fashion police should be on the case.) Sure, there’s not a surplus of couture outlets — or even dry cleaners — in Afghanistan, but even Al-Zarqawi knew how to apply a little eye-liner and lip gloss.

 
[87] JOE SIMPSON
Christian music executive 

A former Baptist minister who relentlessly pimps his daughters (Ashlee and what’s-her-name) to MTV and John Mayer, Joe makes viewers’ skin crawl by ogling (and, even grosser,  commenting upon ) his offspring’s, uh, endowments. Ewww.

 
[83] BAN-KI MOON
Pusillanimous UN Secretary General 

Did you catch BKM cowering behind the podium last month when his Iraq press conference was shelled? His Iraqi counterpart didn’t even bat an eyelash, but Mr. Boo-hoo Helmet was crawling around like he lost a contact lens. 

 
[79] JOE FRANCIS
Boy gone wild 

Skeevy creator of Girls Gone Wild who bullied that LA Times reporter and stuck it to both Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Short of raping his own mother, is there anything this guy could do to make him less appealing to members of the opposite gender? Oh, wait, right: a video of him with a pink dildo near his butt. Bet that’ll be a popular one in the Big House now that Francis is headed to jail on contempt-of-court charges.

 
[78] BILL GATES
Gazillionaire 

Imagine how much of a nerd you have to be to negate the inherent sexiness of some $37 billion?

 
[73] POPE BENEDICT XVI
Bavarian buzzkill 

Popes, by nature of their pope-i-ness, tend to come up short in the sexy department, but the former Cardinal Ratzinger is a step backward even from JP2. There was a certain silver-foxiness to that pontiff. Confession? Guilty as charged!

 
[68] WILLIAM OEFELEIN
Astro lover 

When you first heard about the NASA love triangle gone awry, you pictured this guy — admit it — as Commander McDreamy, not as some second-rate Buzz Lightyear. Once you’ve had a fling with a woman in diapers, you might as well hang up your flight suit, player.

 
[58] JACK ABRAMOFF
Disgraced, sleazy bribe artist 

Flabby, amoral lobbyist at the center of numerous evil scandals that ran the gamut, from defrauding Indian casinos to granting dictators access to President Bush.

 
[56] KIM JONG-IL
Dear leader 

Though this deranged North Korean demigod has a certain cherubic look — he could almost pass for a beatific Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float — he’s rumored to be quite the porno connoisseur, as well as a binge drinker and womanizer. Which makes us all feel so much safer about his nukes. 

 
[44] ALBERTO GONZALES
Fascist attorney general 

While authoritarianism can be sexy — consult your local dominatrix if you have trouble following this one — Gonzales doesn’t come close to pulling it off. Could it be the stick the length of the earth’s axis up his arse? Or is it the stay-puff Devo hair? Not sure — the investigative team hired to get to the bottom of that one was mysteriously fired. 

 
[41] PETER “ZEBBLER” BERDOVSKY
Man in the Mooninite 

Turn ons: cartoons, video art, shitty alternative rock, taking naked pictures of self rolling around in the forest. Turn offs: haircuts, bathing, cops who don’t have a sense of humor. All told, the kid who accidentally punk’d the entire city of Boston should’ve been an underground hero, shagging whole graduating classes of art-school babes. Unfortunately, the movie star he most resembles is Greedo. With bad dreadlocks. 

 
[38] MICHAEL DEVLIN
Suspected Missouri kidnapper 

He used to work at Imo’s pizzeria and then at a funeral home. That’s right, ladies: he’s so much more than just a kidnapper.

 
[34] SCOOTER LIBBY
Fall guy 

What’s less “sexy”: being the sacrificial lamb no one respects or being an adult with the nickname Scooter? 

 
[28] DUSTIN “SCREECH” DIAMOND
Reality-porn star 

Shockingly deviant, cretinous former child star who scammed fans by selling T-shirts to help him avoid foreclosure on his house — there were no such proceedings against him — and who starred in a repulsive sex tape, Saved by the Smell, which featured him doing the Dirty Sanchez. 

 
[26] ROBERT NOVAK
Unmasking agent 

Unattractive even for the liver-spotted set, this toad-like shill for the GOP jump-started the CIA-leak case by outing Valerie Plame as a Langley operative.

 
[25] O.J. SIMPSON
First-time novelist

The juicy parts that leaked to the media were vile enough. But now that a judge has awarded the rights to If I Did It to his victims’ families, Orenthal James will finally get his wish: next week, his novel will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. 

 
[24] PHIL SPECTOR
Music legend

We still don’t know why Phil (allegedly) shot his girlfriend when he could’ve smothered her to death with his (alleged) ’fro. Whether he dunnit or he dinnit, there’s no disputing that Spector has long been the worst date in the music business. Ex-wife Ronnie Spector claims he beat her senseless in the ’60s; the Ramones claimed he held them hostage at gunpoint in the ’80s. Couldn’t anyone see where this was going?

 
[12] KARL LAGERFELD
Repulsive Teutonic fashionista 

Make that emaciated Teutonic fashionista. Almost makes Don Imus seem sexy. 

 
[6] DON IMUS
Fake cowboy, real racist 

Long before he called the (predominantly black) Rutgers womens’ basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos,” this leathery talk-show troll established himself as one of the ugliest faces in a medium that prizes them.

 
[5] HOWARD K. STERN
Professional widower 

We understood the zillion-year-old billionaire: Anna Nicole Smith would sleep with anything with money. But her dalliance with this glassy-eyed salamander of a man forced Americans to re-calibrate Anna’s standards: she’d screw anything with . . . kidneys? At least she was smart enough not to have a baby with him.

 
[4] KARL ROVE
White devil 

Slimy puppet master, cruel politico, and skin-crawlingly awkward rapper. We’d love to sentence this genius to five years of hard labor as Barney Frank’s cabana boy. 

 

 

Related: Pardons are forever, Getting Justice back on track, Rove’s footprints, More more >
  Topics: Ultimate Lists , U.S. Government, Politics, Anna Nicole Smith,  More more >
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