A five-point plan for the celebrification of Jack
Jack White’s already well on his way to being a full-fledged, full-blooded American rock star. He’s had public feuds with the Von Bondies and Ryan Adams. He dated a hot actress (Renée Zellweger) before marrying an even hotter red-headed supermodel (Karen Elson) on a boat in the Amazon. But if he really wants to get the paparazzi pumped, he’ll have to do better. Here are a few suggestions that don’t involve plastic surgery, rehab, illegitimate children, or being busted on a bus with Willie Nelson.
1_ Write and record a duet to benefit a timely cause like global warming with Bono. (If Bono’s not available, Sting is not a bad back-up.)
2_ Start his own hipster red-and-white clothing line, complete with a unisex cologne.
3_ Appear in his own Osbournes-style reality show on which he really breaks Bonaduce.
4_ Perform a guest rap on the next big P Diddy project, preferably something that will get him a halftime spot at the next Super Bowl.
5_ Star in a film directed by Jim Jarmusch or, better still, Robert Altman. If that doesn’t work out, he can always get himself a bit part in the next Pirates of the Caribbean sequel.