May 31, 2006
We got a great package at the Slop Culture offices today from the good folks at McCormick. You know McCormick, makers of fine glazes and marinades. Well, they have a new product. A product with a name concocted by a marketing team that has not seen a movie, watched television, or listened to the radio since 1997.
McCormick's Finishing Sauce. This is the best double entendre concerning the male ejaculate since Friendly's Happy Ending sundae (and they get a pass, since they were there before pop culture adopted the term).
"Simply heat your Finishing Sauce and pour" says the package. "Delightful over stuffing."
The over/under on the name change once dad brings home his new concontion and his 13 year old son breaks the news to him: 2 months.
May 26, 2006
One of the best faux-movie trailers to come down the pike in a while.
May 23, 2006
This came very close to running in this week's Phoenix (We actually did a Google news search to see if he was dead). Then Taibbi came swooping in with tales of Iraqi brothels and filed a gem (which you'll have to wait till wed. to read). meanwhile, check out badjocks. com for the pics.
The Sports Blotter: Special AWOL edition
Editor's Note: We have not seen or heard from Phoenix contributor Matt Taibbi since his last post: Sports Blotter: Special Baghdad Edition. But after taking on the Little League cartel and Marcus Vick, he’s probably safer over there.
In his stead, the Blotter would like to give props to Matt’s fierce rival in the cut-throat world of sports crime Google searching, Bob Reno’s badjocks.com, which scored a nice little coup thanks to some pics of half-naked ladies, blindfolded and bound in duck tape, performing lap dances and swapping spit. The Northwestern women’s soccer team freshman initiation rituals (pics of which had been posted on an online photo album) have caused a stir in the mainstream media and have opened the floodgates to a cottage industry of displaying pics of passed-out athletes with penises drawn on their faces. After doing a few searches, badjocks found pics of initiation rituals ranging from Catholic University Women’s Lacrosse team’s 2006 bash (man that girl looks scared in the arms of that beefy stripper) to Quinnipiac University Men’s Baseball Initiation 2006 (and you thought diapers were just for old men and babies).
Click on these badjock.com links and share the love.
Here's the Dirty Dozen.
1) Catholic University Women's Lacrosse Team Initiation 2006
2) Quinnipiac University Men's Baseball Initiation 2006
3) University of California, Santa Barbara Lacrosse Initiation 2004
4) Wake Forest Women's Volleyball
5) Fordham University Women's Softball Team Initiation
6) Elon University Men's Baseball Initiation 2005-2006
7) Fairleigh Dickinson Women's Softball Initiation 2004
8) James Madison University Women's Club Soccer - Double Play of the Day: Two different years from same team
9) Kenyon College Men's Baseball Initiation 2005
10) Princeton University Cheerleading Initiation 2005
11) Union College Women's Soccer Rookie Night 2004
12) University of Michigan Men's Lacrosse Initiation Pictures for both 2003 and 2004 - Another two-fer
May 22, 2006
Details to come. But word on the street is the last 8 episodes of the Sopranos are shaping up to feature a war to end all wars between the New Jersey family and the boys of engine 19 of Dartford New Hampshire.
Tall stack or short stack -- it doesn't matter. Tony will be getting his ass handed to him once Johnny Cakes takes a trip down to Jersey.
May 16, 2006
Thanks Senor Bush.
That was the sarcastic remark of millions of TiVo users last night when they realized that the finale of How I Met Your Mother, which they all dutifully programmed in to be recorded, was pushed back. It it's stead, millions (ok, maybe 100,000) got the King of Queens instead. TiVo needs to be working on this problem asap. There should be some type of president override that they can send to each machine. It may take some time and manpower, but you've got about 12 million workers ready to do the job.
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May 11, 2006
There is a good reason they call these ceremonies "commencement exercises." Graduation is not the end; it's the beginning. ~Orrin Hatch
Thanks, shithead. We learned that in elementary school, when we had the fifth grade commencement ceremony. Then in middle school, for the 8th grade commencement ceremony. Then in high school. Quite frankly, we've been waiting eight fuckin' years for the “beginning,” since this all seemed like the same old school shit to us. What we really need to know, Orrin, is how the fuck are we going to make money? How the fuck are we going to get a job, buy a house, support our kids, and pay our taxes for your pretty little war machine?
College commencement speakers are full of shit. They arrive to collect their honorary degree, get votes/viewership/popularity, and maybe bang the student organizer after the meet-and-greet. They never tell you things you really want to know. The things you should know.
Boston has about six colleges. Well, six real colleges. (If you don't go to BU, BC, Harvard, Tufts, Northeastern, or MIT, pick up your Hacky Sack and go home, you hippie. You should be happy we let you live here for four years). Each graduation speaker should cater their truth nuggets to each tribe. Here's what they should be saying.
Boston College - Condoleeza Rice
Condi, you're taking a lot of shit from people at BC. You know, those people who don't like that a war criminal is coming to their school, etc... So you have to win their hearts and their minds. Sprinkle in local references. Crowds love that.
"You need to go out into the world, past the B Line and Cityside and Mary Ann’s (hopefully cheers), and you need to go out and shock and awe the world. Sometimes, you will get someone of your own race to disgrace his entire career by giving him false information to share with the world in an effort to get support for attacking another country. Some may call you a war criminal for sending more than 2000 young men and women to their deaths for a war that didn’t need to be fought. But in the end, strive to be happy... You know, there’s a great little book by Dr. Suess, called “Oh The Places You’ll Go."
Boston University - Les Moonves
Les, Baby. you’re gonna get some boos. You picked a fight with the wrong hombre in suing Howard Stern, and he’s got the kind of fans who might bring water balloons to Nickerson Field.
But you can’t ignore the man either. Tell the kids how they will make money.
“Sales is not the only way to make money in the world. There are also lawsuits. Suing former employees, especially ones who have made millions of dollars for you company in the past, is a great way to get a little more extra money out of them. Just because they no longer work for you, doesn’t mean they can’t keep giving you money. Oh, and be sure to marry the talent. I’m banging the old host from Big Brother... You know, there’s a great little book by Dr. Seuss, called "Oh The Places You’ll Go."
Also Les, if your cell phone rings during your speech, DO NOT ANSWER IT. It will just be Captain Janks wondering if you would ever make hot monkey love to Baba Booey.
Harvard - Jim Lehrer
“Good day, I’m Jim Lehrer, and no, you can’t change the channel. You cannot just flip past me on the way to Flava Flav’s Love Shack or Spongebob Squarehead. I’ve got you bastards for three full hours. So I hope you all went to bathroom before you put on your gowns, or else this is gonna get messy....”
Anything else you say from there will be golden.
Emerson – John Kerry
John, please, take some advice from an Emerson alum: the kids are pretty hip over there. Your old 2004 cultural references aren't going to cut it. You shouldn't tell them you're “Rick James, bitch.” Don’t encourage them to shake it like a Polaroid picture. Might we suggest instead making a joke about how you had to call Samuel L. Jackson in on your way up because there were snakes on your plane?
Berklee – Melissa Etheridge
Just tell them how awesome they are at playing music. They love that shit. And they probably even know who David Crosby is, so you’ll be fine for about 10 minutes. Also, don’t mention how filesharing is bad, even though there may be no way any of them will be able to support themselves as musicians unless they decide to form a wedding band.
Tufts University – Lance Armstrong
The speech will be easy enough – you owe a huge debt to modern science and medicine, obviously – but maybe you want to stop by the med school afterwards to have a look at some of those cadavers to see if there's any "harvesting" you want to do. Before you know it, we could be talking six more Tour titles! Does the name "Curt Schilling" meant anything to you?
Northeastern University – General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt
Other than "bringing good things to life," GE is primarily known for two other business ventures: NBC and nukes. I'd focus on the former, personally. Don’t mention how unfortunate is was that your appointment to CEO on Sept. 7, 2001, was 
overshadowed by 9/11. Bad taste.
MIT - Ben Bernanke
“To all you women out there who wouldn’t talk to me in college. Not you specifically, I’m talking about, you know, your type. I just want to say “Ha!” I won. I am the most powerful man in the world right now. I have Alan Greenspan’s job, and I don’t look like walking death. You know what that means? I can get any girl I want. Math is cool....You know, I met this very bright student organizor at the meet-and-greet last night....
May 10, 2006
We interrupt our continuing console wars coverage to bring you the video of Britney Spears's surprise appearance on
The Late Show
last night to confirm her pregnancy. We're not going to talk about how
tacky and trashy Mrs. Federline has become, or how much of a dingus he
is, or how bad her reading of the Top Ten list was. We're just giving
you the video until CBS makes YouTube take it down:
May 10, 2006
We may or may not have more E3 stuff up later, but Microsoft closed their presser with the
Halo 3 trailer.
Kotaku's got it, and now so do we.
May 09, 2006
In a sign that perhaps
the rumors of PS3's demise may have been a bit premature, Sony put on a big show yesterday at
this year's E3
(if you don't know what that is, it's a consumer electronics
convention.) They announced the launch date (November 17, 2006,) they
showed off the controller's motion-sensor capabilities (
um . . . what?) and, most disturbingly, revealed the price. Bad news: the cheapest one you can buy will set you back $499. Worse news:
the $499 model might be even more stripped-down than you might imagine. Will this thing really be worth $600?
The answer may still end up being "yes" for fanboys of a certain age,
and that includes us: there aren't a lot of franchises we still get
excited for but the promise of new
Metal Gear Solid and
Final Fantasy titles
still gets our attention. And there was some trailer action at E3,
hosted on YouTube (possibly legally!) for your viewing pleasure.
First, the extremely intriguing clip for
MGS 4:
(Yes, it has Raiden in it, but does that make it look any less awesome?)
Next,
Final Fantasy XIII, which is funny because
FFXII hasn't even been released here yet:
Looks to be in the vein of
FFVII and
FFX. Good sign.
Now all we need is
Twilight Princess to actually come out, and we'll be set for the next two years.
May 04, 2006
"No, I didn't shoot first."
What's that you say? The original trilogy is out on DVD already?
Well, true, Episodes IV-VI are out on DVD, but they're versions that
are even more tweaked than the 1997 special edition ones, which pretty
much pissed everyone off to begin with. Can you really call that the
"original trilogy?"
We say no, but we also already bought that bloated box set. Which is the only thing tempering our excitement for the
release
of the unaltered, non-"special edition"
as-you-saw-it-on-the-big-screen-in-1977-through-1983 version of the
original trilogy. This is direct from Lucasfilm. Han will shoot and
kill Greedo in cold blood as he was meant to. It will be a limited
release, so act fast.
May 02, 2006
It's pretty much everywhere now, but we have to post it as a
service to you, the people. We'll let you decide if it's funny or not.
