May 31, 2007
Best Week Ever calls it "the downfall of Western Civilization." For better or worse, we can't think of anything better.
Sure, it's just the Lindsay Lohan special — a cocktail tan, one part cancer-death ray, one part moxie-colored mist. And, for a cool $1300. But these are our kids.
In 20 some odd years, do we really want a bunch of strung-out, orange people running our orgies, and our country? Shit.
This clip comes to you courtesy of Sunset Tan... E's new reality horror TV show.
May 25, 2007
That douche actually popped the question. Gag.
US Weekly reports: Pratt purchased the diamond-encrusted platinum band with a pink stone on Monday at Ice at Brentwood Gardens before presenting Montag with his bended-knee proposal, according to a source. An eyewitness at the store tells Us, "She was trying on tons of them and they looked really happy!"
Okay, I know, a) this was totally predictable and b) this doesn't necessarily mean they're actually getting hitched officially or anything. But I'm still really confused and angry. THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED if Heidi and Lauren were still bosom buds! Never, in a MILLION YEARS.
P.S. Heidi is only 20 which means she's definitely a candidate for turning her wedding into an Engaged and Underage episode. Right? We'll keep you posted.
May 23, 2007
When we found out that Neversoft was developing
Guitar Hero 3 instead of Harmonix, we had some reservations. Specifically, about the track listing. We
know Harmonix. We like them. They're musicians. They're in cool bands. For the most part, the
Guitar Hero tracklistings reflected this. We only know Neversoft's musical taste in the context of the Tony Hawk games, which was, to put it delicately, a little spotty (Joy Division and X notwithstanding.)
Well, if this
initial list is any indication, our fears were completely unfounded:
The Rolling Stones, "Paint It Black"
The Smashing Pumpkins, "Cherub Rock"
Beastie Boys, "Sabotage"
Weezer, "My Name Is Jonas"
Kiss, "Rock and Roll All Night"
Alice Cooper, "School's Out"
Foghat, "Slow Ride"
Living Colour, "Cult of Personality"
Heart, "Barracuda"
We've been clamoring for some Living Colour for a while, and we never even would have thought to do "Sabotage." It's an inspired choice. Don't forget
Guitar Hero Rocks the 80s, either:
Twisted Sister, "I Wanna Rock"
Skid Row, "18 and Life"
Ratt, "Round and Round"
Asia, "Heat of the Moment"
Dio, "Holy Diver"
The Police, "Synchronicity II"
May 18, 2007
The men behind Human Giant, MTV's first prime-time sketch comedy show since The State (where the fuck are those DVDs, incidentally?) are set to take over the network (and MTV2) for a full 24 hours starting today at noon. They say they've been given authority to show whatever they want, including The State, Beavis and Butt-Head, Remote Control, etc., and they're going to bring in some guests, like Michael Cera, Will Arnett, Fred Armisen, Michael Showalter, Zach Galifianakis, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Ted Leo, Andrew W. K., The National, Rakim, and Mastodon.
We're not sure we love Human Giant all that much, but it has its moments. All the same, that lineup sounds pretty sweet.
May 16, 2007
So those of you who purchased the stellar Xbox 360 title
Crackdown were
supposed to have access to the
Halo 3 beta on Xbox Live today, but due to some sort of technical difficulties,
that hasn't so much happened yet.
Bungie is on the case, but that hasn't stopped certain individuals from
registering their displeasure. We'll try to stay with this story and update when beta goes live. Assuming that happens by the end of business today.
At least
Halo fans, who famously range from nerds to fratboys to celebrities, have got a
release date, which is more than Wii and PS3 users can say for some of their top games.
UPDATE: Check your Xbox between
10 and 12:30 (eastern.)
May 15, 2007
That's the fucking weas-el.
Pauly Shore at Capt'n Brien's, Marco Island FL, May 11, 2007...
Pauly Shore came running out of the light of a fish shanty kitchen — and when Pauly ran, a badly sunburnt sellout crowd at Capt’n Brien’s cheered. Before he took the wooden stage, for a Friday night comedy routine, Pauly stopped and put a hand on my shoulder like, maybe, I was his friend.
Earlier that morning, at the local island Starbucks — carved out of a Floridian block of pink brick — I was with my mom, when I heard Pauly behind us. He was talking to Capt’n Brien about stoners and photo shoots. Don't look now, I told Mrs. Dean, but that's the fucking weas-el, in a camo bandana and black Nike Shox.
Pauly still had on the Shox, for his 8 o'clock show — to which, he rolled-up fifteen minutes late in a white sedan. His opener was in the back: Shawn Halpin, an ex-Marine-turned-comedian, with a fu Manchu. Halpin was good enough to be a headliner, with his jokes about "fucking waiting tables" in a place packed with waitstaff. But Halpin’s not a celebrity like Pauly Shore.
Wee.
On stage, Shore groped a statue of smiling shark. He placed a hand on its snout and pretended to hump it in the back of its head. "These are the jokes. We're playing a fish shack, ladies and gentlemen," he cackled, and showed us his brand-new Marco Island t-shirt. "Thanks to you guys, I don't have to do the Surreal Life." But don't think Shore hasn't been asked.
Shore's jokes range from fucking his Bio-Dome, Son In Law, and In the Army Now costars — Kylie Minogue, Tiffany-Amber Theissen, and Andy Dick, respectively — to eating pork chops with Frankie Muniz at the Playboy Mansion — which he likens to Willie Wonka and the Pussy Factory. But when he tells us he wants to shut the bridge and start raping the Marco bitches, the island's bitches actually scream. The microphone is his dick, now. Shore assumes the missionary position on stage — he's both the dog and the bitch, at one point, throwing his legs over his head. The blonde in the front row want to jump onit. And, she's not the only one. There's an uprising in the fish shanty and an ex-MTV-spring-break-VJ is leading it. We want Shore and the 90s back — and he's giving it to us one 8-ball joke at a time. Just don't call it comeback — Pauly Shore is too fucking good for that.
May 11, 2007
Breaking Free: Efron, Hudgens
Aww. Finally, Zac Ephron and Vanessa Hudgens, the comely stars of Disney's High School Musical, admit to being a couple.
Just Jared reports that Vanessa's new music video "Say Ok," which features her bf, doubles as their "coming out." Cuteness.
May 08, 2007
On this gorgeous spring Tuesday, Slop Culture Photo Story Time brings you some new Hills-themed snaps. Today's completely candid shoot -- because what publicist in their right mind would allow their clients to look like such asshats -- features our favorite jerkface douche-bag, Spencer Pratt, and his boob-enhanced GF Heidi Montag. For the most part, they keep their bathing suit areas to themselves!
Heidi: This is fun! I'm really glad we got our publicists to organize this!
Spencer: Princess Heidi deserves the best. I'm still pissed that you didn't want to move in with me though.
Spencer: Check this shit OUT, girly-licious. I'm carrying you. You like it. You live with me, not Lauren. I will pee in the ocean if I want to. It's just like a big drain! Who cares? Lauren would care. You can't hang out with her anymore.
Heidi: My cleavage is going to get me so many new jobs. I'm really happy!
Heidi: How did I get here? Am I going to get sand stains on my white pants? I'm resting my hand casually on your thigh!
Spencer: I would actually kill a litter of puppies if it would make Brody Jenner a star. You can see it in my smile! Haha.
Heidi: Hahhaha! I'm so in love with you!
Spencer: Check yourself before you wreck yourself, biatch. If you ever break up with me or move out, I'll put naked pictures of you on the Internet.
Heidi: Weeeeeeee!
Heidi: It's starting to get really romantic, Spence. My pants are falling off, kind of!
Spencer: Can you shut your face hole? I have to hold in my breath and smile so it looks like I have a six pack.
Heidi: Sure, babes!
Heidi: I look so much cuter than Lauren when I make-out on camera.
Spencer: I almost forgot to text Nicole Richie today. Maybe if I ask her nicely she'll eat a sandwich and I'll be on Perez Hilton's blog tomorrow! YEAH! AW YEAH!
Sometimes I wonder if Spence really does love me. Wait, what am I saying? Of course he does! Our relationship is on total display! My career is in his hands! My mom sold my life story to Radar! I got plastic surgery that I didn't need! Haha! This must be the right thing to do.
Spencer: Shhh. I boffed a butterface Playboy Bunny last night. No I didn't.
Heidi: Hahahahah! You're the best boyfriend in the entire universe times infinity!!!!
PREVIOUSLY: Jessica Simpson and John Mayer Snog on the Beach
May 07, 2007
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. There are so many high-rolling socialites out there these days, nobody really seems to care about Paris Hilton that much. Nevertheless, I feel it's my personal duty to tell you that Ms. Hilton is now going where Lil' Kim, Martha Stewart, and the Girls Gone Wild dude have gone before.
Jail!
It Girl in trubs
Paris's sick blue Bentley was impounded after she was caught driving it in a suspended license. An LA judge ruled she knowingly violated her probation on a previous offense -- typical Paris blamed it on her long-suffering publicist Elliot Mintz. She then fired the poor bastard and complained to the judge that she didn't deserve her punishment.
Her lawyer is attempting to get the sentence modified, whatever that means.
"I'm very sorry and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all," Paris quaked before the judge.
Obviously, her people will need to think of a clever way to spin this into celebrity oblivion. The most obvious choice is to throw Nicole Richie into the same correction facility for something or other and film The Simple Life behind bars! Picture: Paris narrowly avoiding getting shivved in a dark corner of the mess hall by flinging a Stam handbag at the head of her stalker; Nicole breaking someone's pinkie finger when they try to steal the simpering love-letters she writes to Joel Madden. Feel a tug on your heartstrings? Or just the urge to projectile vomit all over your remote control? Fox execs couldn't have dreamed up a better concept themselves.
May 04, 2007
Not sure what you're going to wear to Prom this year? Maybe Teen Vogue's ideas seemed a bit stale? Well, here are some new sources of inspiration, though it's doubtful they'll be landing on the pages of a fashion glossy anytime soon -- despite the amazing execution. Nina Garcia would be proud. Fashionista, where you at?
To recreate these looks, you'll need:
1. Condoms. LOTS of condoms.
2. A sewing machine.
3. A very brave face.
All photos courtesy of Pile of Photos.com.
Edwardian Delight
Sweet and Simple
Mardi-Gras Flair
Crayola Box
Little House on the Prairie
Saturday Night Fever
Flower Power
And of course, let's not forget Your Date.
