June 29, 2007
What I learned from watching the premiere of Hey Paula last night on Bravo is: being Paula Abdul is really hard. No, really.
By the end of three hours of Paula, I was as emotionally and physically ramshackle as a has-been Pop-R&B singer souped-up on, let’s see, Enbrel. My dogs chewed my diamond jewelry, my assistants only packed hot-pants, and I can’t — I just can’t, TEAR — wear hot-pants on the plane to QVC. “Take your foot and shove it down your throat, Assistants!”
Tear, tear, sniff. They’ve split open my suitcase on the floor of LAX… and the innards just look like more designer hot-pants! WAH! I think, maybe, if I act crazy now, somebody will notice and fix this. Stay tuned, while we go to a NutriSystem commercial break.
VIDEO: Watch episodes of Hey Paula.
NO JOKE: Play The Quotable Paula: Who said it? Paula Abdul or Winston Chruchill?
June 21, 2007
Ay caramba.
A full length video of the premiere NBC's Age of Love is finally online.
Below are all of the great things critics are saying about it:
"This season marks the summer of hot cougar love.” -- Alessandra Stanley, The New York Times
"Cows put up a more dignified struggle at the meat packing plant.” -- Ken Hoffman, Houston Chronicle
“Though he does have a really great head of hair.” -- Jennifer Frey, Washington Post
“It's like putting cats in a bag.” -- Scott D. Pierce, Deseret Morning News
"Personally we think 30s and 60s would have been even more interesting."
"Give or take some cellulite, the Age of Love teams seem about equally attractive.” -- Vinay Menon, Toronto Star
Phew, I'm spent.
June 12, 2007
Who's crazy now, biitches!?
Is anyone watching this shizz?
...Probably not.
But to pull a quote from ABC’s Ex Wives Club Web site, “How do you mend a broken heart? By getting angry, getting even and getting over it!”
Currently, on the mend myself — having suffered serious symptoms of Bachelor withdraw (e-stalking, etc.) — Ex Wives Club is helping me to “get over it!” With its weepy, snaggle-toothed divorcés/divorcées, and band of celebrity exes (Angie Everhart, Shar Jackson, and Marla Maples), it’s like the Bachelor, Extreme Makeover, and The View all-in-one-hour. Shar Jackson plays Barbara Walters… keeping the peace, with pedicures, porcelain veneers, and staged demolitions — ex’s cars are thrown from cargo planes, and trucks are dropped by cranes, repeatedly, until gasoline bleeds from their sides. Such is “getting angry” and “getting even," or so claims life coach and author Debbie Ford (Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life), who runs a One-Flew-Over-the-Cuckoo's-Nest-like retreat — where the patients are blindfolded and made to scream, and throw punches in the air.
Such is rehab, now-a-days.
And, in the meantime, that's where I'll be... until I post about Age of Love! OMFreakingG!
June 08, 2007
Will the Los Angeles sheriffs, judges, and laywers kindly MAKE UP THEIR MINDS?
First Paris is in jail. Then she's sent home to do her time. Now they're sending her back to the slammer.
Please, just figure it out before the weekend is over. I don't want to hold up a wiffeball game just so I can check the blogz. Or, incidentally, the front page of The New Yoooooork Times website. Gawd. Slow Friday for the Gray Lady? And isn't this Sharon Waxman's beat -- who's this Maria Newman woman? Either way. Get it sorted.
June 08, 2007
We hate to see you go, but we love to watch Grey's, anyway
Goodbye Isaiah Washington... we will miss your open-hearted soliloquies. And your fine dance moves. ABC and Washington's rep have confirmed the star will not be returning to Grey's Anatomy in the fall.
Washington had this to say about the decision: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."
According to the Web site Grey's Anatomy Insider, the quote is a reference to the 1976 film Network-- in which an aging TV anchorman threatens suicide, after being fired by the fictional television network UBS.
Seriously.
June 04, 2007
Ass and army
The Army has its code. The wives have their own. So ominously reads the online trailer for the new Lifetime original series Army Wives — which premiered last night in a blaze of soap-operaish glory on the veteran women’s channel.
Enter Army-wife-to-be Roxy LeBlanc’s (Sally Pressman) ASS in a tight pair of star-studded jeans. “I ain’t in the mood for a game of grab ass, Cowboy,” she tells the owner of the hand that grabs her stars. And the show begins — with a raunchy blue-jeans-wearing love scene in an Alabama bar.
…Perhaps, Army Wives is on to something.
Two years ago, ABC’s hit show Grey’s Anatomy — which the network has since syndicated to Lifetime — began a lot like Wives. Viewers awoke groggily with Grey’s protagonist Dr. Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) from a drunken one-night stand. Four seasons later, character Grey is still involved with Dr. Derek Shepherd (Patrick Dempsey), a/k/a “McDreamy,” a/k/a a guy she met in a bar. And millions of devoted viewers are still involved, too.
It seems, then, Mark Gordon — executive producer of Grey’s, and now Wives — has cracked a hit-television-series code. But what is it about romance in a bar that’s got us all watching?
Could be the sex-in-the-bathroom-stall storylines, and surrogate-baby-mama drama that follow.... But, whatever it is, it's not that Lifetimey. At least, not for an over-drama-stuffed summer stand in for, sigh, Grey's Anatomy.
June 01, 2007
Uh, duh...
USA Network has bombarded the airwaves…. for months now… with sappy commercials starring siren Debra Messing — blubbering to the tune of Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway.” Last night, Messing — dressed like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz in drag — finally spread her wings in the two-hour premiere of USA’s The Starter Wife. The network’s new Thursday night miniseries, based on Gigi Levangie Grazer’s novel of the same name, is about Molly Kagan (Messing), Hollywood first wife, finding herself after le divorce.
Cue an oddly done dream sequence. The show begins with Messing and co. skipping down the yellow brick road. False eyelashes and white eyeliner flutter above Messing in a cheap rendition of Judy Garland’s blue gingham dress. Messing awakes from the nonsense, to field calls about dog poop from her place in satin sheets. We’re not in Will and Grace, anymore.
Scenes at yoga, the “church of perpetual upkeep” (a/k/a the salon), and brunch, in that order, crash USA’s fledgling Sex and the City knock-off into the beaches of Malibu — where Messing’s character relocates after the divorce. Another string of designer-clad clichés, beachside — and, admittedly, I wanted to stop watching. The Starter Wife started that badly.
The New York Times describes the show as a “satire-lite soufflé that follows all the steps of the chick-lit recipe.” But really, The Starter Wife is overdone, satire-trite crap... which can only be likened to prime-time POOP. And it's doubtful even Messing's best fake tears, and runny mascara can save it.
