October 23, 2007
What follows is a not really at all edited email exchange between two members of the Slop Culture crew after listening to Britney's latest. Er. Deal with it?
Ellee: PSSSH, WHO’S RADIOHEAD?
Sharon: Agreed, for the moment, at least. This is a party record and I’m MORE EXCITED ABOUT IT than Radiohead. May the world JUDGE ME.
Ellee: WOW, OKAY SO I LOVE TOY SOLDIER. AND, OOH, WHY SHOULD I BE SAD IS SO PERSONAL. THIS HAS CHANGED MY WHOLE WEEK!
Sharon: PIECE OF ME IS HYSTERICAL, NO? Her voice is SO SASSY.
Ellee: AGREED. DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL THIS MUSIC WOULD BE LIVE? WITH DIRTY, SKANKY PEOPLE BOPPING ALL OVER THE STAGE AND MAYBE SOME HUGE WOBBLY TOY SOLDIER FLOATS? I MEAN, I DON’T EVEN THINK I WOULD CARE IF BRITNEY WAS THERE.
Sharon: OMG, I COULDN’T AGREE WITH YOU MORE. HOW FUNNY WOULD IT BE IF THEY HAD A CASTING CALL FOR “HIPSTERS” AND PUT THEM IN THE VIDEOS. And they were like stripper hipsters, and they were her SLAVE FOR U’s. THIS IS THE ALBUM OF THE CENTURY, PERHAPS.
Ellee: YEAH ITS LIKE BRIT MEETS GWEN STEFANI MAKES OUT WITH MISSY ELLIOTT. I AGREE WITH ALBUM OF THE CENTURY. I HAVE DREAMS WHERE I AM BRITNEY SPEARS FRIEND SOMETIMES… (DELETE THIS) (Ed. note - sorry, it's too good!)
Sharon: OCCASIONALLY FANTASIZE ABOUT BECOMING HER PERSONAL ASISSTANT AND WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE A WASHED UP HANGER-ON PERSON. IT WOULD PROBABLY BE VERY STRESSFUL AND I LIKE IT. She’s a saucy minx - “you’re filling me up with your love”??!!?? Dear lord. CONFESSIONS: 1) I SAW CROSSROADS, HER FEATURE-FILM DEBUT, IN THEATRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2) I GAVE IT A BAD REVIEW FOR MY COLLEGE NEWSPAPER (I WAS A FOOL) BUT SECRETLY LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!! 3) I OWN THE SEMINAL UPN SERIES, BRITNEY AND KEVIN: CHAOTIC, ON DVD!!!!!!!!! 4) I KIND OF LIKE THE UGLY BOOTS SHE WEARS SOMETIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ellee: Omg omg omg, I spent that whole summer watching chaotic. I think she was so pretty in crossroads, especially in that modest bikini! Ooh and I like her version of satisfaction better than the stones! (sort of, well, in a cheap way). I like very much that she is trashy and wears whatever she wants, especially when she and k-fed were doing the road-kill-look thing. And, she said she wants an animal in bed!!! (radar) she’s so open! (ha, i am ridic)
Ellee: Heaven on earth reminds me of david bowie/labyrinth
Sharon: I want someone to play Radar at my goddamn wedding.
October 18, 2007
Don't put me in there.
Fiction???
Fact!!!
Fact!!!
October 18, 2007
Cutie tootie.
Samatha Who cares? I do, a little. Christina Applegate is hard not to like, concussed and cuuute in her hospital gown and curls. She wakes from her Sleeping Cutie slumber with pursed lips and retrograde amnesia. “Who are you?” She coos to her estranged parents. And that’s when the premise of the pilot is revealed: nobody gets it! Pooor, amnestic Samantha. When will her bad-girl/good-girl dilema be understood? Samatha, you see, has woken up with a conscience, which is conveniently embodied in the form of two friends — one, homely and good, the other, hot and very, very bad.
From her good friend Dena (Melissa McCarthy, Gilmore Girls) Samantha learns that, well, she wasn’t so good. From her bad friend/Eva-Mendes-look-a-like Andrea (Jennifer Esposito, Crash) Samantha learns she has a lover, a high tolerance, and lots of low-cut frocks. Thank goodness for badness and no laugh track, a formula that, thus far, seems to casually entertain.
Also, not bad, Barry Watson as Todd, Samantha’s shiny, studly, live-in boyfriend. Pick him! Viewers will say. Because Samantha, lip gloss, and sparkly party dresses go predictably well with old 7th Heaven and What About Brian stars.
October 18, 2007
Cutie tootie.
Samatha Who cares? I do, a little. Christina Applegate is hard not to like, concussed and cuuute in her hospital gown and curls. She wakes from her Sleeping Cutie slumber with pursed lips and retrograde amnesia. “Who are you?” She coos to her estranged parents. And that’s when the premise of the pilot is revealed: nobody gets it! Pooor, amnestic Samantha. When will her bad-girl/good-girl dilema be understood? Samatha, you see, has woken up with a conscience, which is conveniently embodied in the form of two friends — one, homely and good, the other, hot and very, very bad.
From her good friend Dena (Melissa McCarthy, Gilmore Girls) Samantha learns that, well, she wasn’t so good. From her bad friend/Eva-Mendes-look-a-like Andrea (Jennifer Esposito, Crash) Samantha learns she has a lover, a high tolerance, and lots of low-cut frocks. Thank goodness for badness and no laugh track, a formula that, thus far, seems to casually entertain.
Also, not bad, Barry Watson as Todd, Samantha’s shiny, studly, live-in boyfriend. Pick him! Viewers will say. Because Samantha, lip gloss, and sparkly party dresses go predictably well with old 7th Heaven and What About Brian stars.
October 18, 2007
No, it's not the concept for a VH1 fakereality show. It actually happened.
I have been inexplicably devoted to Ashlee ever since she arrived on the scene, riding on Jessica's infamous coatails in her black Chucks and weird tutus. Watching her go from shamed lip-syncher to Gwen wanna-be to Petey's girl friday has brought me endless--seriously, endless--amounts of pleasure. I wish The Ashlee Simpson Show was still on the air. I miss it terribly. By the way, I own one of the Ashlee Simpson necklaces from Claire's Accessories. AND I LIKE IT.
Happy belated b-day, Ash! In a sea of jaded cynics who hate on you for being you and hate on me for loving you, I'm still your biggest fan.
Shine on.
October 16, 2007
Next time for sure! Down and Under! What me worry? It's my party. Love you long time. You're the most. Let's not and say we did....
Behold the many covers of W magazine’s Art Issue. I think they’re genius. A real pop-culture punch in your beautiful face, Richard Prince. Of the covers, creator Prince says:
"I called Katie Holmes and she said something like, 'I was blinded by science,' so that's what I inscribed on her photograph," Prince says of one of the images in his W portfolio, before admitting, "I just sort of made that up."
John Baldessari's stuff in the mag is also genius. Eye-catching, cutout, neon shapes, oh my.
October 16, 2007
Heidi and the Spices
Meanwhile... the Spice Girl's Greatest Hits album will drop November 14th exclusively at Victoria's Secret stores and official Web site, as well as iTunes. This is not so bizarre as the Spice Girls will be performing at the 2007 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.
What will they wear? Not the ugly diamond bra, I hope.
October 16, 2007
Before (beautiful! boobs!) After (funny looking! bosom!)
What happened? What happened? How can something that costs $4.5 million dollars look so bad? Notice the before picture, circa 2006. Notice model Karolina Kurkova, Victoria’s Secret vet, in her $6.5 million Hearts on Fire Diamond Fantasy Bra, dazzeling. The bra is simple and stunning, more than 2,000 round diamonds stud Kurkova’s breasts. The model is naturally done-up — blushed, glossed, and tousled. Hark! She’s just gotten out of bed and she looks brilliant! …In a bonny bling bling bra!
As for the after, the 2007 Victoria's Secret Fantasy Bra, if VS tasked me to come up with a bra that looks like my grandmother’s kitschy plates, this would be it! Then, if VS asked me to pose the plate-inspired bra against a tacky tropical gradient, this would be it, too! Sherbert and cheap looking diamond bras for everyone! And, lo, is that holly? Just what I’ve always wanted on my derriere, bushels of spiny-toothed leaves.
Oh, underwear designers! Woe is when the dream of playing dress up turns into absolute expensive crap. Wail.
Gem-dandy, my butt.
October 16, 2007
Bourdain = bleh Donuts = yeh!
According to New York Post's Page Six, "Kitchen Confidential" cook Anthony Bourdain had this to say about Rachael Ray and Dunkin' Donuts in the upcoming issue of Outside magazine:
"And she's endorsing Dunkin' Donuts. It's like endorsing crack for kids."
"I'm not a very ethical guy. I don't have a lot of principles. But somehow that seems to me over the line. Juvenile diabetes has exploded. Half of Americans don't have necks. And she's up there saying, 'Eat some [bleeping] Dunkin' Donuts. You look great in that swimsuit - eat another doughnut!' That's evil."
Not that I have any real affinity towards Ray. It's the crackdown on Donuts, I just don't get. Like, why don't we pick on penny candy?
October 15, 2007
Old news, new interviews
Of the Radar interview with Spencer Pratt — entitled "Hey, Big Spencer" — I actually found the bit about his grandmother endearing:
But, seriously, doesn't your family feel kind of embarrassed that your general image is "sleazebag"?
My grandma, who is 81, was at my birthday dinner last night, and she was saying in her whole life—which has been miserable for the most part—the one thing that has made her happiest is getting to read the tabloids, watch The Hills, and be a part of this weird pop culture phenomenon. She wears two buttons with my face on it. And if my grandmother is crying for joy in the last years of her life, then it is all worth it.
It's so worth it!
October 12, 2007
What is real? What is fake? What is life? Or death? Or feeling comatose???? I don't even know anymore!!!!
One of these is supposedly the official cover art for Britney Spears' upcoming LP. The other one is something I made in photoshop while I was blacked out.
IT'S THE BLACKOUT CHALLENGE... I mean, if your shitty editorial computer has photoshop, Sharon.
P.S. Check out Sony BMG Germany's tracklist, which, if true, has Britney singing a song entitled: "Get Naked (I Got a Plan)".
October 12, 2007
Chumps
Why, Maxim, pilfer your unsexy picks from the likes of (iconic sexy-city symbol) Sarah Jessica Parker? Who, for being 42, doesn’t look so bad in her skyscraping Manolos. Look at her bend, her abdomen curled like a slender Botticelli. She is petite, she is pliable, she is a couture canvass, with sweeping vintage-frock-inspired smears. I wonder if you know what it means to pull off a belt wrapped around a stunningly bare midriff?
No, of course not. You’re too lazy to think much at all about your lackadaisical Five Unsexiest Women Alive list.
If you wanted to rip us off so badly, you needn’t have tried very hard. It’s a wonder you even came up with something unsexy-like to say about Sandra Oh’s sculpted ass and long onyx curls. Is “we’re forced to watch or else or girlfriends won’t have sex with us” the finest you can do? Oh, boo hoo, Maxim. To sum: your list really sucks. Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse? What’s even the point, anymore? The slideshow is so booring. We’ve seen it all before, ho hum.
This is what true, unadulterated unsexiness looks like:
Or, see #80. Never been sexy.
October 11, 2007
Model R.I.P.
Aw shucks, they are sooo cute together. But this official photo for Stetson's new cologne ad campaign is a touch reminiscent of LifeCall's '87 medical alarm ad campaign, in which Mrs. Fletcher, from her helpless position on the floor, screams: "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" All this, stirs fantasies in my head of Gisele to Brady: "I'm writhing and I can't stop, Brady!"
Brady: "Shut up, Gisele! I'm posing and I can't get up!"
Anyway, personally, I think this (below) would have sold more men's cologne:
Smell me!
October 11, 2007
OOO, OOO, OOO, OOO, OOO, AH, AH
Drew Carey as dirty as Bob Barker? Joy! Free preview, bitches, of the new era of The Price Is Right. The shenanigans begin Monday.
October 11, 2007
??????????
One wonders: why Tanorexia? Why silicone? Why stomachs shaped like Twix? Why hair gel, pommade, and pokies that look like rumpled candy pumpkins? Why shoulder pads shaped like bat wings? And expressions so dour?
...When Scarlet Johanson looks so archangelic and good in normal looking stuff.
!!!!!!!!!!
Tara Reid in the upcoming issue of FHM
Victoria Bekham in the upcoming issue of Elle
Scarlet Johanson in the November issue of Elle
